3 months later.

Here I am. Breathing and living.  Sounds so simple, but three months ago I didn't know how this could be possible.  October 7, 2012 I experienced the greatest loss in my life. My mom passed away after a long 7 year fight with Multiple Sclerosis.  I lost a women I could truly call a best friend in life. A women that was always there for me. She was (and still is) so much to me: a role model, mentor, my personal nurse, phone chat buddy, shopping partner/coach and most of all, my mom who loved me unconditionally.

The past 3 months I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. Through the ups and downs I have done a lot of reflection.  The idea of bieng a daughter "without" a mother has been hard.  We go through life expecting our parents to be at certain milestones in our life.  I planned on my mom seeing me try on a wedding dress for the first time, walking me down the isle with my dad at my wedding (whenever that happens) and always saw her there by my side at the birth of my children.  Well, life happens when you are planning. 

Facing this new reality of my mom not being here for those milestones is hard and is a feeling that is hard to put into words, so I wont even begin to try.  But, what I can explain is that it is little things that I truly miss now.  I miss hearing her voice.  I miss our daily phone calls, her hugs, our shopping trips, her cooking...I even miss the little things that annoyed me, like her telling me to be careful walking to the coffee shop as if I was 6 years old.  After reflection, it is these little things which made my mom who she was and why I love her so much.  

Although I no longer have the phone calls, shopping trips, etc and knowing she wont be there for my future milestones, I have been able to find beauty through the loss of my mom.    My mom was an amazing women. She was an incredibly selfless person who would bend over backwards for anyone before taking care of herself.  I have really been able to to see so much of my mom in the things I do (even do the things that I found annoyed me- like being overprotective of those around her, especially children).  She definitely left a great impression on everyone she was around.

Grieving is a hard thing. For those of you who know me you know I like to be in control, so allowing my emotions to come out has been hard but I am learning it is okay and it is part of life.  Over the past 3 months I have really been forced to work on me, which like my mom is definitely hard for me to do.  I am learning to be kind to myself.  I am learning to live for me, care for me and give time for me.  As a result, I am truly able to give a lot more to those around me.  

The loss of my mom has really forced me to think about life and put things into perspective. My outlook on life has changed. The little things have become more important, the material things have become less important and my friends and family mean more than ever.  I am learning to cherish the little moments in life.

 

"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you will look back and realize they were the big things." 

-Kurt Vonnegut